WASHINGTON, D.C. – In yet another unprecedented move, Donald Trump has officially declared that he no longer recognizes laws as a constraint on his actions. While most legal scholars are still struggling to process this statement, Wall Street has wasted no time adapting – with Goldman Sachs immediately announcing that it will begin printing its own currency.
“Laws are for losers,” Donald Trump proclaimed in an impromptu press conference held at Mar-a-Lago, standing in front of a banner that read “America Unchained – Freedom from Rules, Freedom from Limits, Freedom from Consequences.”
“If you think about it, laws have been holding us back. We’ve got all these regulations, taxes, boring rules – terrible! The worst! You know who doesn’t follow laws? Winners! The best people! So from now on, I’m just going to do whatever I want. And you can too, if you’re smart enough.”
The stock market reacted instantly, with hedge funds, banks, and billionaires celebrating what analysts are now calling ‘The End of Governance as We Know It.’
Goldman Sachs Wastes No Time – Announces ‘Trump Dollars’
Within minutes of Trump’s announcement, Goldman Sachs held an emergency board meeting and voted unanimously to start printing its own currency. CEO David Solomon appeared live on CNBC to announce “Trump Dollars” – a new, fully unregulated form of U.S. currency.
- Each Trump Dollar is backed by ‘pure belief in the free market’ – meaning it has no actual value but will likely trade at insane prices anyway.
- The bills will feature Trump’s face on one side and a golden ‘Winners Only’ logo on the other.
- Inflation will no longer exist – because Goldman has decided that numbers “don’t really matter” anymore.
- Banks are now allowed to print as much money as they want, because “why should the government have all the fun?”
“We’ve always known rules were optional for us,” said a senior Goldman Sachs executive. “Now we don’t even have to pretend anymore. This is a golden age of finance – literally.”
Wall Street Goes Wild – Pure Chaos Ensues
As news of “Trump Dollars” spread, Wall Street entered a state of total hysteria.
- The Dow Jones spiked 5,000 points in a single hour, as traders scrambled to invest in anything that now operates without regulation.
- Bitcoin dropped 50% instantly, after crypto investors realized that Goldman Sachs had basically created a digital Ponzi scheme but with paper money.
- JP Morgan announced that it would also start printing its own currency, called “Dimon Dollars,” sparking a full-blown currency war between investment banks.
- Apple stock soared after Tim Cook hinted at a future “iDollar,” which will be exclusively available to iPhone users as a subscription-based money service.
A panicked Federal Reserve attempted to issue a statement reminding everyone that the U.S. dollar is still the only legal currency. However, they were immediately overruled by Trump, who simply tweeted:
“The Fed? SAD! These guys lost control YEARS ago. Let’s be honest – my economy is too strong for rules. #MAGA #WinnersOnly”
International Reactions: Confusion and Opportunism
As expected, Trump’s declaration sent shockwaves across the global economy.
- China responded by announcing a ‘Freedom Yuan’ – a new version of their currency that allows citizens to trade as long as they swear loyalty to Xi Jinping.
- Europe immediately froze all trade with the U.S., citing “a complete breakdown of basic economic reality.” However, France announced it would be “open to bribes” if necessary.
- Russia, seeing the chaos, declared the ruble to be ‘the world’s last stable currency’ – causing it to crash harder than ever before.
- Mexico, in a surprise move, offered to manage America’s finances in exchange for “partial ownership of Texas.”
Meanwhile, billionaires were reportedly seen celebrating on private islands, drinking cocktails paid for in Trump Dollars.
America’s Economy Becomes a Meme – And It Somehow Works
Despite widespread panic among economists, world leaders, and people with common sense, markets continued to skyrocket in what experts are now calling “The Illogical Boom.”
At press time:
- Donald Trump had declared himself “The First Self-Regulating President.”
- Goldman Sachs was considering acquiring the U.S. Treasury Department “just for fun.”
- Every major financial institution had stopped using numbers entirely, instead replacing them with “VIBES ONLY” economic forecasting.
One senior White House official summed up the situation:
“This is either the greatest economic expansion in history… or the start of the biggest financial collapse the world has ever seen. Either way, it’s definitely entertaining.”
Craving more news? Joe Biden launches a new business venture, while Elon Musk’s X lands a high-profile key account.
