PALO ALTO, CA – In a development that defies every known principle of finance, Tesla has just reported one of the worst earnings results in corporate history, announcing a stunning 75% revenue decline, shrinking margins, and mass production slowdowns. Yet, in a completely normal and rational market reaction, Tesla’s stock immediately surged by 13% as Wall Street analysts declared the results “better than expected.”
At a post-earnings call, CEO Elon Musk, speaking while live-streaming himself from a SpaceX launchpad, reassured investors that the massive revenue collapse was actually a sign of strength.
“Look, revenue is just a number. People get so caught up in numbers. But what really matters is innovation, disruption, and our ability to maintain the vibes,” Musk explained while casually adjusting his Neuralink brain implant.
The explanation was immediately accepted by Wall Street, which had already priced in “Armageddon-level” earnings and instead celebrated the fact that Tesla didn’t literally explode.
Wall Street’s Justification: “Well, It Could Have Been Worse”
Despite Tesla reporting:
-) 75% decline in revenue
-) A sharp drop in deliveries
-) Regulators opening three new investigations
-) Musk tweeting “Idk lol” when asked about future profits
…analysts still found a way to spin it as bullish.
“Look, we expected Tesla to implode entirely. So the fact that they still exist is, frankly, bullish,” said Morgan Stanley analyst Chad Marketson.
“It’s all about expectations. If you expect a company to collapse and it only barely collapses, that’s a win,” added a Goldman Sachs strategist, before immediately upgrading Tesla stock to ‘Buy’ and raising the price target by $300.
CNBC Declares: “Earnings Don’t Matter, Tesla Is About The Future”
Financial media rushed to defend Tesla, insisting that traditional earnings analysis is outdated.
“Tesla isn’t about profits or revenue. It’s about the idea of profits or revenue,” said a CNBC anchor, nodding solemnly.
Jim Cramer, in a historic moment, declared Tesla both a buy and a sell within the same sentence, triggering a 500-point market rally.
Investors Praise Tesla’s “Cost-Cutting Genius”
Instead of viewing the collapse in revenue as a business failure, investors chose to interpret it as a “brilliant cost-cutting measure.”
“If Tesla isn’t selling cars, that means they aren’t spending money building cars,” one hedge fund manager explained, before pouring another billion dollars into Tesla options.
Meanwhile, ARK Invest’s Cathie Wood called the decline “actually a sign that Tesla is transitioning to a more efficient economy of scale”—a phrase that literally does not mean anything.
Elon Musk Celebrates
As Tesla’s stock soared despite its borderline collapse, Elon Musk celebrated the occasion by announcing Tesla’s next big product: An invisible, non-existent car that costs $500,000 and doesn’t include wheels.
“Some people ask, ‘Elon, why no wheels?’ To them, I say: ‘Why think small?'” Musk tweeted.
Within minutes, pre-orders had reached $3 billion, and Tesla’s stock spiked another 25%.
The Market Is Completely Broken
At press time, analysts were already setting their expectations for Tesla’s next earnings call, with many forecasting that a complete revenue wipeout could send shares soaring another 50%.
“If Tesla just stops making cars entirely, imagine how much they’ll save! Pure profit, baby,” said one JPMorgan trader.
Meanwhile, traditional automakers like Ford and Toyota, which actually made a profit, saw their stocks decline, because, as one analyst put it:
“Making money is kind of old-fashioned, don’t you think?”
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