PALO ALTO, CA – In a stunning display of capitalism’s final form, Elon Musk has officially acquired the Sun, declaring that “free daylight is an outdated socialist concept” and that people will now have to subscribe to “Solar+,” a premium sunlight service offered through X (formerly Twitter).
The purchase was finalized in a $500 trillion all-stock deal, financed mostly through Tesla shares and an aggressive Dogecoin pump orchestrated by Elon Musk himself.
“The Sun is an extremely undervalued asset,” Musk said in a press conference from his new orbital mansion. “People take it for granted, but what if we could monetize it? Imagine a future where daylight is tailored to your needs, instead of just… existing for free. That’s a broken business model, and I’m here to fix it.”
Introducing “Solar+” – The Future of Daylight (For Those Who Can Afford It)
Elon Musk announced that the Sun’s natural 24-hour cycle will now be replaced by a subscription-based model, with different tiers of access:
- Solar+ Basic (Free, Ad-Supported)
- Includes 10 minutes of daylight per hour
- Interruptions every 5 minutes with sponsored content from Tesla, SpaceX, and Neuralink
- Sunset not included – users must pay extra to see the sky turn orange
- Solar+ Premium ($29.99/month)
- Unlimited daylight, but only in Musk-approved locations
- No ads, but occasional product placement in the clouds
- Includes one free “Hyperloop Moonlight Pass”, allowing nighttime visibility on select days
- Solar+ Ultra ($199.99/month)
- Exclusive VIP sunlight with priority access to “Sunrises Before Everyone Else”
- Personalized UV intensity settings via Neuralink (still in beta, may cause skin mutations)
- Ability to block “woke clouds” that obstruct the sun in liberal states
- Solar+ Elite (Invitation Only – Price TBD)
- The only way to get 24/7 uninterrupted daylight
- Comes with a free Tesla that only drives in daylight
- Includes access to private, billionaire-only sunshine in Musk’s new colony on Mars
“The Sun has been free for too long,” Musk explained. “That’s not how innovation works. We need to push humanity forward, and what better way than charging for something people literally can’t live without?”
Immediate Global Reaction: Chaos, Despair, and Billionaire Endorsements
The announcement sent shockwaves around the world, with millions protesting the idea of a privatized Sun.
- Climate activists warn that Musk could “turn off the Sun” for non-subscribers, effectively creating an eternal blackout for those who refuse to pay.
- Elon fans defend the move, saying, “You wouldn’t download the Sun, would you?”
- Jeff Bezos praises the acquisition, reportedly considering buying the Moon and making night-time an Amazon Prime exclusive.
- China responds by announcing plans to launch an “artificial Sun”, available at half the price and with free shipping.
Meanwhile, solar panel companies collapse overnight, as Musk announces that anyone using the Sun without paying will be charged “daylight theft fees.”
U.S. Government Response: “We Didn’t See This Coming”
President Donald Trump (who recently won re-election due to an AI malfunction in the voting machines) expressed mild concern about Musk’s control over the Sun, stating:
“Look, I love Elon, great guy, tremendous guy. But I gotta say – turning off the Sun? That’s a little much, even for me. I mean, what’s next? Charging for air? Actually… someone write that down.”
In response, the U.S. Treasury has begun stockpiling flashlights, while Congress debates whether a “Sun Tax Credit” should be created for low-income families.
Musk’s Final Move: Turning Off the Sun for Non-Payers
Despite global backlash, Musk remained unapologetic, tweeting:
“Complaining about Solar+? Just buy the subscription, bro.”
Hours later, Musk tested his control by dimming the Sun over California, causing mass panic among non-paying users.
- Traffic accidents skyrocketed as millions drove into pitch-black streets at noon.
- Outdoor workers went on strike, demanding their employers cover their Solar+ fees.
- The Vatican condemned the move, arguing that only God should control the Sun—to which Musk replied, “Well, where was he in the bidding war?”
Humanity Adjusts, Musk Becomes First Trillionaire
Despite universal outrage, people begrudgingly accepted their new reality and subscribed to Solar+, making Musk the first trillionaire in human history.
At press time, Musk was rumored to be in talks to acquire Oxygen, with plans to introduce a “Fresh Air+” subscription model by 2030.
Craving more news? Donald Trump strikes a “really tremendous” deal with Mexico, while Elon Musk teases some electrifying Neuralink news.
