Washington, D.C. – Canadians have launched a nationwide boycott of vacations in the United States, sending shockwaves through Florida’s fragile, tourism-dependent economy. Disney World, Las Vegas, and Miami Beach have all declared “financial emergencies” as their most polite and apologetic customers vanish overnight.
“We just didn’t think this through,” said a Florida tourism official. “We always assumed Canadians would just keep showing up, no matter what. Turns out, if you insult them enough, they just… stop coming.”
Florida Panics as Canadians Disappear
The boycott, which began in response to Trump’s tariffs, economic policies, and general disregard for anything north of Buffalo, has hit Florida the hardest.
- Hotel occupancy in Miami Beach has plummeted by 40%, forcing resorts to offer desperate last-minute deals like “Stay three nights, get a free alligator!”
- Disney World, once packed with Canadian families escaping the brutal winter, is eerily empty, with Mickey Mouse seen staring into the distance, contemplating his existence.
- Waffle Houses across the state have reported a 75% decline in maple syrup orders, prompting an emergency meeting of the Florida Maple Syrup Consortium (FMSC).
“We knew Canadians were important,” said one Disney executive. “But we never realized they were this important. Who else is going to buy our $15 churros and take pictures with a sweaty guy in a Goofy costume?!”
Disney World Declares ‘National Emergency’
In a desperate attempt to recover, Disney executives have declared an internal “National Emergency” and announced new “Canadian-friendly” policies to lure back their best customers. These include:
- Free entry for anyone who can prove they say “sorry” at least 15 times a day.
- “Poutine Hour” at every Disney restaurant, featuring an American interpretation of poutine (which is just French fries with nacho cheese).
- A temporary ban on loud, angry American tourists who shout “Do you speak English?” at Epcot employees.
Despite these efforts, Canadian travel agencies continue redirecting clients to Mexico, Europe, and even Greenland, citing a “No America, No Problem” travel policy.
“I was going to take the kids to Florida,” said Toronto resident Sarah McNeil. “But why deal with the hassle? Mexico has beaches too. And fewer guys yelling at me about politics while I’m trying to drink a margarita.”
Wall Street Reacts – And Collapses Instantly
Upon hearing that Canadians are no longer booking U.S. vacations, Wall Street went into full panic mode:
- Airline stocks dropped 15% in seconds, as analysts realized Canadians make up 90% of winter flights to Florida.
- Las Vegas casino stocks plunged, with one CEO admitting, “We thought drunk Americans were our biggest customers, but no—it was actually Canadians betting $10 at a time while politely apologizing for losing.”
- A major cruise line immediately rebranded, launching “Canada’s Own Cruise Experience”—which is just a regular cruise but with unlimited Tim Hortons coffee.
Trump Responds – And Makes It Worse
As Florida begged for relief, Donald Trump predictably made things worse.
“The Canadians? They’re making a BIG mistake. A HUGE mistake, folks. Florida is the best! Nobody does tourism like us! But if they don’t wanna come, you know what? We’re gonna put a tariff on Canada’s cold weather. That’s right. If they wanna keep their cold, they’re gonna have to PAY!”
His statement, which made absolutely no sense, immediately caused:
- Canadian X to explode with memes.
- The Canadian dollar to briefly surge—before traders remembered that this was Trump and none of this was real policy.
- A Canadian tourism board to release an ad campaign with the slogan “Stay Home, Stay Warm, Stay Canadian.”
America Begs, Canada Laughs
At press time:
- Florida lawmakers were considering offering tax breaks to Canadians just to get them back.
- Trump had completely forgotten about the crisis and was now tweeting about how “Disney is actually failing because of WOKE CULTURE, NOT CANADIANS!”
- Canadians were quietly enjoying their vacations in Europe and Mexico, knowing they had just outplayed America at its own game.
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